Chapter 2: The Award for Best Pretender Goes To
Norah always felt like she was auditioning for a role she never really wanted. Like every time she stepped outside her house, she had to put on this version of herself that people could understand and accept and maybe even like.
Because if she didn’t, then she would just be that weird girl who always asked uncomfortable questions, and didn’t clap during prayer, and rolled her eyes at group selfies, and sometimes just walked away in the middle of conversations.
She would do it not because she was rude, but because her brain would start spiraling again, and she needed to catch it before it ran too far ahead.
School was the place where this pretending reached Olympic level. Because every day was like an award show where everyone had to perform their role. The smart one, the pretty one, the popular one, the rebel, the peacemaker, the teacher’s pet, and so on.
Norah tried to pick a role. She really did. But, every time she settled into one, it felt like wearing someone else’s shoes. Like maybe they looked good from a distance, but after a while they pinched her toes and made her limp a little. And people would notice the limp and she’d get scared and switch shoes again.
Sometimes she would sit in the last bench because she needed space to breathe and think and mostly to listen not to the teacher. She would listen to the little hum of the ceiling fan and the sound of scribbling pens and the quiet sighs of other people pretending just as hard as she was.
It gave her weird comfort like okay maybe she’s not the only one faking it. Maybe everyone is faking it and some are just better at hiding it.
One day in class a boy said something about how science was cool but nothing beat the feeling of knowing God was watching over you. Everyone in the class nodded like sheep and smiled and Norah smiled too.
She smiled because she knew if she didn’t she’d have to explain herself again and she was too tired for that kind of fight that early in the morning. So, she played along like she always did.
The truth was Norah was getting really good at pretending which scared her. Because, if you pretend long enough, you start to forget what you really think, and that’s the part that kept her awake at night.
The big questions about the universe, death, or nothingness did not terrify her much, but the small thoughts did: that maybe one day she would become like everyone else, smiling, clapping, posting hashtags of gratitude, and never realizing she was asleep while still breathing.
priyakistoriyan 
Leave a comment